How are you?

My evolutionary journey has had me travel through some pretty dark places, and I'm not shy in admitting that at times I felt cripplingly victimised. I lashed out, I blamed the world, I was angry and I wanted justice. During those times of deep pain and  rawness I bled. I bled emotionally and spiritually. I didn't know how to stem the flow and to heal, so the scab would form for a little while, bringing a short relief, until another scratch or scrape of life experience tore it off again.

The harshest of judges, my internal critic, poised and ready to swoop down and claw at any obvious exposed vulnerabilities, wreaked havoc on my slow progress, keeping me in a sort of emotional limbo. I desperately wanted healing, relief, release and to feel some sort of normal.

Years went by. Small incremental changes occurred as seeds dropped into my consciousness and sprouted small, fragile seedlings of change and growth. I couldn't feel the growth. I couldn't see the change. It was a long time in the dark, germinating, cracking open and feeling only the pain of that fracturing.

I didn't notice the light. It somehow crept silently, without fanfare, without recognition and without expectation. Just a humble glow that kept steady.

But the light grew.
The light fed me, a tiny drop at a time, so as not to overwhelm me and send me crashing backwards into fear. I took each drop, like a homeopathic essence of life force that eased its way into my cells with the gentleness of a loving infusion. 

And time. Time kept pace. Time, with its ever shifting influence on perception of the past. Time and light, doing their healing, out of my conscious awareness.

I have done deep work, don't get me wrong. The work has been painful, but in a good way, like cracking a dislocated joint back that hurts like feck, but you know there's healing to come when things shift back into the right places. My dislocated emotional body settling back into place. And the light, and time persisting.

Someone, just a few days ago, asked me "How are you?"
It's probably the most often asked question. And the answer is probably the least conscious or honest one that we give in social settings.  It mostly feels like a throw away question, a conversation starter but without the expectation of a considered response.

My answer surprised me, never mind them.

How AM I?
I feel peaceful. I feel content. I feel satisfied. I feel grounded. I feel powerful.
I suddenly experienced a high speed re-run of my life while standing there in polite conversation. The stark difference between who I was when I was gripped by trauma and fear all those years ago, to who I am now, spun me a little, and I laughed out loud.

Confused and amused look from the other person.

I laughed because I realised in that moment that my powerful and persistent inner critic that ruled my life has had to go away and find a new hobby. It just hit me. I now have an inner Sun and I can light up the places where the shadows get too dark, whenever I choose to.

So many metaphors! I hope you can relate, because I find I can express myself so much more fluidly this way.

Looking back to the past from this vantage point in time and space, I feel like I have been reading a book about my past/other/self. It's been a gripping story that I learned a lot from. I have deep empathy, gratitude and caring for the woman in that story. She has a 100% success rate of getting through shit.
I can connect with her any time I need to, without fear of what she will unleash, to infuse deeper healing light when the dark places show themselves, and I can close those chapters knowing the story continues, and I'm the best selling author.

​How are YOU?

​

---